First, and what brought me to tears as I was avoiding another frustration that I'll discuss later, is my lack of trust with Andrew. (pause for a drink) The boy is not taking care of his shit. And in his own despair at his situation, he's making everyone else's situation worse. I don't feel like I can trust him. He's been down on his luck--largely at his own doing--for a bit now. But he's doing absolutely nothing to help himself out. As he's been going through this (a loss of his home, a rocky situation with his evil girlfriend from hell, being on the outs with most of his family, etc), he's taken to making everyone else's wrong-doings his business to rectify. He told Jake Doak everything I've done since we broke up. He told Jake about me and other Jake (something we weren't necessarily keeping a secret but didn't need to rub in his face), about how Haase felt about the situation, about my plans for my script and my future. And then denied it when confronted about it. When, one evening recently, Andy ranted about his mother and how much he hates her and how she never does a damn thing to help him, I snapped. I told him something that was supposed to be confidant between my mother and me. I told him that his mother volunteered to pay for his vet tech training if he'd get off his ass and sign up. And then I slapped myself. I told him that that couldn't go anywhere and that I wasn't supposed to say anything to him about that. What the fuck does he do the first time he sees my mother after that?! CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT!!! Why the hell would I trust him? It's almost like he's ASKING me not to trust him. FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM! (Yeah, I'm a little pissed off.) I can't even begin to get started on the other shit he's pulling, but suffice it to say that he's being a child. And I'm done with children. I can't have an open conversation with him anymore out of fear that he'll twist it around on me somehow. This from the kid who's been one of my closest friends since puberty. I feel utterly betrayed and let down.

(Pause for a drink and a smoke)

Upon reflection, facebook interruptions, and several drinks between the pause and the facebook interruptions, I find myself not caring enough to state the rest of what frustrates me. This right here is the biggest one, simply because of my history with the kid. I've been best friends with him since seventh grade and he's crushing every single hope I ever had for him. He's turned into someone I dislike very greatly. And although I will always love him because I've taken him in as family (note to self: explain theories on the difference between RELATIVES and FAMILY), I don't like him much right now. And in that respect, he's kind of made the transition from family to relative. Fucker.

Wow. Fun? With tech support? Who'da thunk it?

Half of me really wants to completely wipe this blog and start fresh. And then I started reading through my old entries. And there's a lot of history. A lot of missing history between the entries, but that's ok. Suffice it to say that the shit hit the fan. A few times. More than a few times. Try almost a year and a half of nothing but shit hitting the fan. My shit, Jake's shit, our friends' shit...it all got thrown in. The details are really not important anymore. A simple breakdown of the current statistics should make where I'm coming from more or less comprehensible.

Basically...

-I broke up with Jake Doak after moving into a cabin in the middle of bumfuck nowhere because...

---I couldn't take being the mommy of the relationship anymore.

---As a mommy, I didn't feel attracted to the child I was with.

---I started having highly portentious dreams about our neighbor and

-------he had those same dreams about me.

-I moved from bumfuck nowhere to live with my coworkers Nattie and Hannah in a very clean, safe, calm apartment.

-I'm dating the afore-mentioned neighbor (quelle fucking suprise, eh?), also named Jake. He's almost thirty, I'm almost twenty-one, but we connect on a level that is completely pure and beautiful. I've never been held like that. I've never smiled so much from one person. I feel this...magnetism, like we were always being drawn closer together. Like our souls have met before and were just aching to find one another again. Yes, I realize this sounds new-wave and frightfully spiritual, things I've striven never to be considered. But it's impossible to describe. I'm comfortable by myself, but I still know that his piece of me isn't there when he isn't there.

I digress.

-I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am and what that means. I'm learning to ask for what I need, say what's on my mind, and take responsibility for my own actions and obligations. In short, I've grown the fuck up. Which is why I won't just erase this blog and start fresh. A lot of the older posts show just how much growing up I had to do. Hopefully the future posts show just how much of that growing up was done in my absence from mindsay. And perhaps what growing up still needs to be done.

Progress, man. It's all about progress. I suppose the details are mundane and petty. Feel free to disregard them. Just sort out the bull and take the meaningful. I don't suppose any of this is expected to matter to anyone but me. Future posts will assuredly be more universally deep, not just personally. The details mentioned here were more of a prelude, a hello again. A segue into the next chapter of this blog.